Wednesday, March 10, 2010

10:: v-day (1)

I've been mulling ove this topic for weeks, maybe even months now.  Thinking about what I would share.  Working through it all in my head.

Whew. I think I'm ready.

So, v-day is almost upon us.  Our official baby-making days will soon be over.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you may have picked up that this is a bit difficult for me.  I love babies.  I love feeling a baby move inside my belly.  I am a rare person who loves those first few months of the tiny, squalling, even colicky baby.  Don't get me wrong.  I get tired and frustrated like everyone else, but yet I love every moment.  I had a hard time saying Lily was my last baby.  I still do at times.

I always imagined myself with four children.  Maybe its because I'm one of four children and I really enjoyed our family size.  Maybe its because being a mom is my favorite thing in the world (besides marrying Bean of course).  Maybe I want four children because I'm crazy.

Bean was open to stopping at just one child after we had Miss Rose.  But he agreed that giving Miss Rose a sibling was important.  We had some long talks about having a third child.  It was extremely hard for me to reconcile with having two children.  Bean, being the wonderful man that he is, concluded that I would always regret not having a third child (which was correct), while he would love that child from the moment it was conceived. 

Not long after this conversation, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with our third child!  Even though we were planning on a third child, the timing wasn't what we would have planned with our second just being one year old and some job insecurity at the time along with buying our first house.  We had a few tense conversations coming to terms with our new reality.

Lily is such a wonderful addition to our family.  Miss Rose and Gracie love her.  The covet her attention and her smiles.  She gets so excited to see them and interact with them.  She's my sweet baby.  A mama's girl.  She loves to be worn and wants to be held all the time.  I can't imagine life without her.  And in many ways, she does complete our family.

Yet I still have this crazy desire for a fourth child.  It's lunacy, I know.  I already have a hard time working and mothering three children.  My house is rarely organized or picked up.  There is always something that needs to be done.  I'm on the verge of a mental or emotional breakdown a few times a month.  Evenings are crazy in our house.  Miss Rose turns goofy, Gracie is hyper and Lily wants to be held.

And still I would add another child to that mix.  (Yes Bean, really I would.  I know he's reading this right now thinking--you can't be serious.  But I am.

But Bean, he's done.  There is no way he can fathom another child.  And I understand that.  In my head, it makes sense.  We live in a sub-1100 square foot home.  Two working parents and four small children sounds rather unmanagable.  We aren't those working parents who have lots of money for nannies and housecleaners.  We rely on family for childcare (and they are wonderful) and clean our own home.

It makes sense.  It's the right choice.  We have a wonderful family and three beautiful daughters.  Me, the mom who loves children, I'm at minivan status.  I have more children than "average".  It's responsible.

This, this is my head speaking.

Tomorrow, I'll share more from my heart.

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