Wednesday, July 21, 2010

embracing the day

I am often plagued by self-imposed guilt.  I'm an overachiever and a people pleaser.  My life is held in a very precarious balance.  When any little thing upsets that balance, my guilt usually increases.

When I'm going to work, I feel guilty for not being there with my kids.

When the balance has to swing towards my kids, I feel guilty for not being at work.

I feel guilty that Bean often makes dinner and does clean-up while I am with the kids.  Granted, he prefers to do that, and he knows how much I need that time to reconnect with the kids after a day at work.

I feel guilty when Bean sends me out for a run, because he rarely takes me up on similar offers.

I feel guilty when I take a slow day and don't get much cleaning or laundry done.

Since Lily was running a low grade fever last night (she's still asleep, so not sure how she is doing this morning) she needs to be home.  My job is more flexible and I can do things from home, so when it's possible, I usually stay home.  Bean is more than willing to stay home as needed (and he did last week). 

Last night I was letting the guilt overtake me.  Guilt for not being in the office.  Guilt for another "odd" week.  Last week my mother-in-law was sick so I stayed home on Monday and went to work on Thursday instead.  A change in my routine, in that precarious balance, isn't my favorite.

No matter what though, my family always comes first.  And I remind myself that ultimately, I work for God.  I minister to his people through my vocation.  God knows when my children will be sick.  God knows what responsibilities I have at work.

So I need to do a better job of trusting him and his infinite wisdom and not letting guilt consume me.

As the guilt was drowning me and my soul reached out to God to save me, I simply heard the word: embrace.

Embrace what the day holds.  Embrace the opportunity to cuddle my baby.  Embrace a slower morning.  Embrace an extra day with the kids.

Certainly I'll be checking in with work and doing some preparation during naptime.

But this is the day the Lord made, and I need to embrace it.

What challenges are you fighting against that you can embrace today?

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