Sunday, August 8, 2010

in his presence

**warning: sad & heavy stuff ahead**

I am a bottler.  Meaning, I bottle my emotions.  I push them as far down as possible hopefully to never be seen again.  Only, when I finally have one of my bi-annual cries, usually all that junk comes up again and I cry for hours. 

I wish I wasn't this way.  There are days I wish I could make the tears that overflow my heart and well up into my eyes actually pour down my face.  It would make things easier sometimes.  To just get that emotion out.

Instead I end up dealing with my emotion in other ways.  I feel depressed.  I get headaches.  I have massive tension in my neck and shoulders.  I clench my teeth at night {and subsequently have worn a nightguard for many years to minimize the damage.}  Also, I run.  As the sweat pours out, so does some of the sadness and strife.

But if there was one place or time that I can actually let my emotion flow, it's at church.  As songs are lifted to heaven, and my voice rings out the truth of His love and His goodness and faithfulness, I can let my guard down.

This morning, was one such morning.  Bean was on the platform playing guitar.  I had all three girls with me because they enjoy seeing Daddy play worship, and they were doing some VBS songs later in the service.  I also love having the girls worship with us.  Sure they get antsy sometimes, but I want them to learn to experience God too.

As we sang, I held Lily in my arms.  Gracie was standing on the pew leaning against me, her sweet voice singing along as she grasped the words.  Miss Rose was next to us, standing with my mom.

On the platform was my good friend and co-worker, who's resignation would be announced at the end of the service.  I am excited for what God is going to do in his life, but I will miss him and his family as partners in ministry (and sometimes shenanigans).   There is a deep sadness.

You part the seas
You move the mountains with the words that you say
My song remains
God you reign

In the pew in front of me, worshiped a family who has suffered a great loss.  A baby boy, who lived just two days and was buried on Friday.  His funeral was one of the most heart-wrenching things I've ever experienced.  Watching his mom praise and worship was humbling and moving.  And then I think of Sara Joy, who experienced a tragic loss as well, but Saturday morning welcomed twins.  After the grief I witnessed and experienced on Friday, it was a welcome reminder of the goodness of God.  The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.

You hold my life
You know my heart and you call me by name
I live to say, God you reign

I reach over, and bring my oldest daughter's head close to my side.  This daughter of mine, who is so intense and thinks far too deeply for her age.  Who is an enigma to me, on so many fronts.  Yet I long to find the key to her heart, to her mind.  I pray for Christ's presence to invade her in ways she doesn't understand.

God you reign
God you reign
Forever and ever, God you reign

And I fall apart.  Again and again.  In His presence. 

I remind myself, I can enter his presence anytime.  I can fall apart with him whenever I need to.

Because he reigns.  Forever.  He holds my life.  Their lives.  He knows my heart.  Their hearts.

I don't know what I would do without His presence.

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