Monday, November 22, 2010

running through my head

I see that this is my 500th post.  Had I noticed I was nearing that mark before, maybe I would have planned something special.  Let's be honest though, I would have had great intentions, but it probably still wouldn't have happened. 

So much in my life seems to be low priority right now.  High priority is just living, loving my kids and paying bills.  Well--loving God of course is the highest.  I have projects I'd like to complete, ideas for decorating and organizing, books I want to read.  But most days all that falls to the wayside for sake of survival.  It's a good survival, don't get me wrong.  I just wish I had time to do more than survive.

Last Wednesday night I dragged myself into Bible Study.  I was tired at the end of my work-week as I always am.  I saw an empty seat and dropped into it asking if it was free.  In jest one of the ladies said "yes, but it's going to cost you."  Sometimes I can come up with some witty in a situation like that.  Not that night.  All I could be was brutally honest.  Without even thinking about it I said, "it's the end of my work week and I have nothing to give."  Which was true.  We laughed about it.  But I must say I caught myself off guard with the exchange.

I've been thinking today on my optimistic spirit.  I guess it's good to be an optimist.  But that also means you trust too easily and aren't as cautious as you should be in some situations.  And it's so hard to understand pessimists.  I find myself being too judgemental.  And I repent and ask God to help me with my attitude.  And then I pray for those I have trouble understanding. 

God seems to be sending a lot of pessimists my way.  I don't really appreciate this learning experience.  I struggle with knowing how to relate to others who approach life differently.  Usually I just want to scream.  But I don't.  My other instinct is to climb inside my bubble and close out most of the world.  If I don't hear it or read it than it won't affect me.  But that's not a healthy approach either.  I'm still figuring it out I guess.

I'm really looking forward to the holiday this week.  I decided to take Wednesday off from work.  I have a lot of vacation time built up.  Which means I'm not using it.  I probably should use more of it.  I plan to get organized for cooking and baking and having my sisters in town.  They know my house is usually messy, and I think they have grace for me, but I like to pretend I keep things better organized when the come to town. 

I desperately want to experience the holidays this year.  Two years ago we were closing on the house during the holiday season and work began to ready it for us to move in.  I was also large with child.  It was a stressful time.  Last year we were more settled and we did have some special family moments, but Lily was still under a year old.  I was nursing and pumping which takes time and energy.  I had some intentions that were never realized.

This year, I want to put up Christmas lights outside.  Even if it's just a few strands on our porch.  I want to make Christmas goodies to share with family and friends.  I want to read the Christmas story as a family.  I don't want this year to pass by. 

My babies are growing and that makes me a bit sad.  Next year Lily will be leaving toddlerhood and talking in complete sentences.  There is something so precious to me about celebrating the holdays babies and young children.  It's especially magical for me.  In fact, had God not sent Lily in his timing, my timing would have been a babe born between September and November.  A snuggly newborn to photograph in a stocking for Christmas.

I digress.  I could talk about babies forever.

I am such a work in progress.  My brain is working overtime lately to figure me out.  To figure out what God is doing with this mess.  To him I know that I am a beautiful mess, but most days I can't see the beautiful part.  I see my flesh and how far off the mark I am.  There are so many paths right now I don't have the courage to travel down.  This hanging in the balance though, isn't so great either.

I need about two solid hours of loud, intense worship and a good cry.

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