Tuesday, July 5, 2011

this day

I have been trying to live by the phrase "embrace this day."  I read it somewhere on the interwebs more than a year ago.  And it keeps coming back to me.

The idea being, I need to live the day, whatever it holds, the good and the bad.  There will be things about each day that I wish were different, there will be challenges and circumstances beyond my control.  But wallowing in self-pity and always looking at the "greener" grass in someone else's life will get me nowhere.

If I trust God, I trust what each day holds.  I need to be able to say, "this is the day the Lord made" even when I don't like what it's the day.  To embrace this day, as well as those days.

You'll be hearing more about this from me soon.

But...today, has been one of "those days".  A day that I struggle to embrace.  A day that threatens to swallow me.

I've had a cold for almost a week now.  Sunday it took my voice, which has been lovely.  I sound like a lifelong smoker today.  Monday I ran a 9.3 mile race.  I enjoyed it, but it was tough due to the cold, difficulty breathing and a very nasty raw piece of foot.  The house is a disaster, because we've been having too much fun this holiday weekend.

I was up at 5am on Monday for my race.  I arrived back home around 9:30am and we headed to Bean's moms condo to swim for a bit.  I tried to nap in the afternoon, but for some reason was only succesful in heavy dozing and daydreaming.

We headed to some friends for a 4th of July tradition of BBQ, sundaes and firework viewing from their front driveway.  Within 30 minutes of arrival, Lily was hit hard with illness.  Again.  Her fever quickly rose and I ran to get some Motrin.  She perked up for a few hours, but was down again later in the evening.

It was a difficult night for her.  Bean and I didn't get much sleep.

VBS started today for the older girls.  I was able to call the doctor office and get them to order bloodwork in light of last months illness episode.  This way I could go to an afternoon appointment with bloodwork results already in.

This was my morning.

Pick up my niece (on my way, so no big deal)
Drop three girls at church for VBS
Drive 20 minutes to lab...stopping off to get cash because I have to pay for parking
Call the DMV 800 number to reschedule an appointment I had this afternoon for my expired license because I needed to bring Lily to the doctor instead.
The lab doesn't have our bloodwork orders
While I'm calling the doctor's office, the DMV calls me back, and it takes FOREVER for her to reschedule my appointment.
Call the doctor office again.  Leave a message.  Call the emergency line, which I guess was for true life-threatening emergencies.  They call me back and I wait on hold again to talk to the nurse.
The doctor hasn't signed the orders, so he does.  grrrrrr
Finally get the bloodwork done.  This was our third visit, and she knows what's coming.  On our way there, in her lethargic voice she said "all better, no doctor."
Take Lily to my mother-in-law's
Race to work for a meeting, for which they are waiting for me
Almost to work and the nurse calls.  Bloodwork is already back and her counts show infection again.
Meeting, coordinating kids for the afternoon, speed through the must-do's for today at work (already a short week with the Monday holiday)
Pick up Lily and spend over an hour at the doctor waiting, talking, getting shots and waiting some more

It has been a difficult day to find gifts.  But I've tried.  I didn't get to eat lunch.  Which resulted in a headache, which I still have.  It's sticky today.  I've had a feverish baby laying on me much of the day.

Oh, did I mention I stunk?  And I was a sticky, sweaty mess myself?  I've been experimenting with wearing deodorant only (no antiperspirant).  Today the deodorant wasn't strong enough.  (thankfully I have back-up antiperspirant in my desk).  It was also the wrong day to wear a skirt.  I'm pretty sure I flashed a few people at the lab when I stood up with my hot, heavy toddler and my skirt was stuck to my skin and all bunched up.   Sorry folks.

A hard day to embrace.

But I have a flexible job that cares about my family and is supportive of my priorities as a mommy.  I was smart enough to request bloodwork first, instead of two visits to the doctor office in one day.  I was really hoping it wouldn't show anything.  But the pattern is the same, and deep down I knew.

I just wish I really knew what was going on.  I wish someone knew.  Toddlers shouldn't get strong bacterial infections 4 weeks apart.  They are doing a few cultures to try and identify the bacteria.  And waiting to see if the antibiotic shots knock down the fever.

Looking back, I see I never posted a true follow-up to last month's illness.  Her urine culture never grew anything.  So the doctor said there was no way of knowing exactly where the bacteria originated from and how long it had been around, since she's been having these monthly fevers almost all year.  Repeat bloodwork was normal, so we thought all was good.  Guess not, because this nasty thing is back.

I just want answers.

Those I can embrace.

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