Friday, September 30, 2011

in my head

Independent could be my middle name.  I was a very compliant, obedient child but also very strong-willed.  Thankfully for my parents, I had a very sensitive conscious, so I used my will for good.

In my teen and college years my independence really solidified.  If I wanted something, I figured it out for myself.  From junior high on I usually supported myself with babysitting money and then working at a restaurant when I turned 16.   I managed to apply to college, get accepted and get the financial aid I needed with little assistance from my parents.  My parents would have loved to help support me in college, but it wasn't financially possible.  I had various jobs through college, paid for my own clothes, bought my own gas and even a car when mine died (financial aid helped with that one).  Some summers I stayed at school and paid rent.

I pride myself on being independent, but sometimes it's to my own demise.  Because we aren't meant to life this life alone.  It's one thing to be able to manage life on your own, but it's another thing to enjoy it and do it well.  I am so blessed that God gave me an incredible husband like Bean to be my rock.  I know I can depend on him and I don't need to feel like I have to do it all on my own.

But even 10 years into marriage, it's still a struggle for me sometimes.  Because I want to be independent. Yet I don't.  I know I don't have to always be strong.  I fight with myself.  I usually never win.

Today was rough.  Lily was in bed with us by 2am I think last night, burning up.  Of course she wants to sleep as close to me as possible, which means sharing a pillow with her while she almost crowds me off the bed.  At 2:45am she puked the water she had been drinking because she was thirsty from being so hot.   So it was changing the sheets, wardrobe changes for her and I.  Bean is always amazing and gets it all done while I care for the sick child.

After all that, I was wide awake.  I don't think I fell back to sleep until after 4am when Lily had finally cooled off some and asked to go back to her own bed.  Which was after she was asking me about the bunny and a few other random things in her half-sleep, feverish delirium.

I could barely open my eyes, by which I mean I could hardly wake up and focus, when Bean was talking to me before he left for work.  The amazing man had Miss Rose up and dressed and her lunch ready too.  Thankfully I was dragged myself out of bed 15 minutes later and got going.

Thanks to pillow-sharing and sleeping on the edge of the bed, I had an excruciating headache and neckache all day.  That's my weak area, my achilles heel and it was flaring today.  Motrin didn't touch it.  Lily's fever raged most of the day.  Gracie was bouncing off the walls, being in the house for the 2nd day straight with a sick sister.

I went back and forth all day between comforting Lily and attempting tasks around the house.  All in a fog of pain.  Bean was off work early and picked up Miss Rose and immediately jumped into getting the house more in order.  I wandered around in a daze, trying to help but not really being able to focus. He was quite irritated.  (I don't really blame him)

A dear friend gave birth last night and I wanted to visit her and hold the baby.  I almost couldn't leave the house for the guilt of leaving Bean with the kids, with a messy house and half-done tasks and the pain in my head.

As I drove to the hospital I forced myself to figure out what the problem was.

I am the problem.  I am too stubborn and too independent.  I couldn't admit that I was a wreck today.  I was exhausted and in major pain.  Pain that should have sent me to bed for the day, or at least to lay on the couch with my sick girl.  Instead, I puttered and tried to do things, which probably only made my head worse.

Why couldn't I admit how bad I felt?  Why couldn't I give myself a sick day?  I felt guilty because Bean's sleep was poor last night too.  I felt like I should be able to snap out of it.  I didn't want to be the weak, sick mom.  I didn't want to give in to the pain I felt.

It's all in my head.  The pain of course, but the hang-ups too.  I am not invincible and I need to stop trying to be.  Who cares if Bean has a motor that never stops running. Who cares if he isn't as affected by lack of sleep as I am.  He would have been much happier today if I had told him early on how bad I was feeling and if I had given in to him taking care of me, the house and everything else.

As it was he cleaned up, made dinner,  and ran a few errands.  With me fighting it most of the way.

I need to accept me.  Even when I don't like me.  I need to accept my limitations, even when I wish they weren't there.

Working and managing three young kids is hard enough.  Add in Gracie's eye issues and Lily's monthly  fevers and it has to be enough to do anyone in.  I need to allow that for myself.  Even just typing that is hard.  I don't know how to allow myself to be weak.

34 years old, 10 years of marriage and 3 children and I still have so much to learn about myself, about life and God.

The good news of today is that Lily should be getting a referral to ENT for a tonsillectomy, which I am hopeful may solve our problems (more on that later).  I hear it's standard to have to wait until 3 years old for the procedure, but that means just 4 more fevers and maybe surgery in February.  There are still hoops to jump through but I feel like God gave me favor when I called the pediatrician's office today and I trust his favor will be on upon us the rest of the way.

No child should have to endure fevers of 103 to 104 all day and even up to 104.6 tonight.  If a tonsillectomy is a possible solution, then it needs to happen.

And I'll work on not being invincible, on accepting my limitations and not comparing myself to others and to quit fighting myself.

I might need some accountability though.  I'm not sure how to do this.  At least admitting it is a start.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

why you should consider getting dressed to take your child to school and other such Thursday musings

We carpool to school in the mornings with our neighbor.  He drives one week, I drive the next.  It works out pretty well this way.  It's nice to have a whole week of not driving and since I work three weekdays, it's not a big deal to drop-off and it ensures I'm to work early too!

When I drive on a Thursday or Friday, I am usually wearing my sleep clothes. I don't necessarily sleep in pajamas, just old comfy shorts and old tshirts (I think I have some that are 10 years old.)  The little girls are typically still in their pajamas too.  We come home and laze around a bit since we are all tired from the week.

Miss Rose is aware of this, but it doesn't bother her yet.

However, this morning I was reconsidering my laziness.  We walked into the house after drop off and Gracie immediately noticed that Miss Rose's lunch was on the couch.  I KNOW it was IN her backpack this morning, because I saw it there.  For some reason she took it out though, and never put it back.  I considered taking it to her later, but she'd have snack-time in just a few hours, so might as well get it done with.

So back in the car we went.  When I was just a few minutes from the school Miss Rose called, so I was glad I was on my way to bring her lunch.  As I was getting out of the car in the parking lot, I realized "hey, I'm in my sleep clothes and the girls are in their jammies.  Maybe I should have gotten dressed this morning."  My shorts of choice were these super big, baggy shorts that I've been wearing since my pregnancy with Miss Rose.  Thankfully I had on a hoodie, which covered up the faded college tshirt.

Oh well.  There was no going back now.  Gracie was rocking the Ariel jammies and Lily was in candy cane pants and a t-shirt.  School had started, so the campus was pretty empty.  When Miss Rose came to the classroom door to get her lunch bag, she didn't mind one bit that we were in jammies.  She even gave me a kiss to thank me for bringing her lunch.  SO worth it!

Maybe getting dressed isn't that big of a deal after all.

You know how my days off are Thursday-Friday-Saturday?  I've had sick kids or kids home from school EVERY THURSDAY for a month.  That's since school started.  Not even once have I been able to stick to whatever plans I had.  I don't even know why I try!

Lily's monthly fever is making its appearance today.  Pretty much 30 days to the day since the last one.  I'm so done with this.  If a tonsillectomy helps some kids, please just do it for my kid to see if it helps.  Because this is the pits.

I had a wonderful double jogger run at the bay planned, with play afterwards.  But that's not happening.

Still, I'm going to embrace this day.  Embrace that I'm home and don't have to take a sick day.  I'm going to take this day as a reminder to pray for the moms and families in my life who have various challenges of their own.  My problems could be worse.  But things could certainly be a bit easier too.

I'm super excited that I've been approved to write for Today's Mama!  I don't know if I'll be published on the San Diego site only, or the national one too.  Maybe in the downtime today, I'll write my first blog to submit.

And I'm even more excited that my running and marathon training is going to be featured on maybe one of my favorite websites of all time.

Yes, in the midst of walking through school campuses in my sleep clothes and sick children, there are good things happening, positive things to focus on.

I just may need a few reminders of that today.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Life lacks margin most days.
Margin is where I find time to blog.

So much seems out of my control.  It's just life, whether I like it or not.

So, I remind myself how much I love these people and how quick these days pass and how soon the years fly by.  Just yesterday I was thinking that in about  6 months Gracie will be 5 years old.  

5 years old is a big marker in my mind for some reason.  No longer a toddler, not necessarily a preschooler.  And then I'll just have one baby.  A milestone for a mother of three.  

I'm still learning how to mother these children that aren't really babies any longer.   
They are my reward, my heritage {psalm 127:3} 

Friday, September 23, 2011


I've never had enough pictures to participate in InstaFriday before, but today I think I do!

Actually though, I have too many pictures taken on my phone and not enough with a real camera.  I need to get in the habit of bringing our camera with us all the time.  Or I need to get the iPhone 5, which will have a much better camera than my 3G.

Here's typical Gracie at the end of last week.  She changes clothes at least 3 times a day right now.  Between regular clothes and dress up clothes and a combination of both.

I ran 8 miles on Saturday.  This is an awesome part of one of my running locations.  It's an out and back, and everyone loves to touch the bullseye.

Bean had to work on Saturday, so after I got back from my run he left and we were off to Gracie's soccer game.  I was running a little late and it was our turn to bring snack...I thought that cutting up orange slices at the game was very ingenuous.

The youngest munchkins.  In another year or two, it will finally be their turn to play soccer.  In the meantime, they found that sitting up on the fence was a good way to pass the time.

Big cousin, pulling little cousin and soccer supplies while Gracie and Lily help push the wagon and another teammate runs alongside.  They were adorable.

Saturday night we went to the Padre game.  Which with three young children, Bean and I decided its more like babysitting in a public place.  Bean spent a lot of time getting food and snacks, I made a gazillion trips to the bathroom and the kids were passed all around and up and down rows (we were there with a group from church).  The kids got super hopped up on sugar.

Towards the end of the game Gracie was sitting on a friend's lap and and every time music came on, she started boucing like crazy and was super excited about the tiki torch type things that go off when there is a homerun and would chant "fire, fire, fire."

Sunday... Do you think we have a problem?  Actually, Gracie does.  She loves her a stuffed animal, or 20.  She plays with many of them.  But I was actually successful in getting her to give up 2 trash bags full.  And yet it still feels like there are 200 in the house.  (do you spy a couple VINTAGE items in there?)

Oh Monday.  This is what my car looks like at the end of a workday.  Jackets, lunch bags, school paperwork and more.  It takes me about 10 minutes to unload my van.

Wednesday going to church...Gracie likes color, and she likes to match.   She decided to experiment with sandals and socks.  The matching is quite impressive, even if the style isn't my taste.

Thursday.  Doctor, again.  We spend SO much time in doctor's offices between routine exams and sick appointments.  I had to pick Miss Rose up from school because she was sick.  Gracie and Lily were maniacs in the exam room.  I was so happy when we could finally leave.  I also had to take the little girls to the dentist, although I didn't get a picture there.

Miss Rose requested a smoothie for her throat, so the littles got chocolate milk.

My little girls love wearing my high heeled shoes.  We have all wood floors.  You do the math.  They get out no less than 6 pairs of shoes a day.

No pictures from today so far.  Miss Rose stayed home again.  If I could post a picture for today, it would be of a super size diet coke with extra ice from McDonald's.  I know its bad for me.  But it's so good.  And it's caffeine.  Miss Rose left her sunglasses at the library earlier.  So maybe picking them up is a great excuse to make a quick drive-thru.

And the Insta-challenge...something you hate. 
The man, I love fiercely.
The corn breading I would eat.
The hot dog inside...I hate! 

Have a wonderful weekend!

life rearranged

Thursday, September 22, 2011

this is never goes as planned

I started out today with the best of intentions.

All week long various projects and tasks get filed in the back of my mind "to do on my days off."  Often though, by the time I get to my days off I don't remember what those projects and tasks are.  Or I get distracted by other things and don't think of them until I'm too tired at the end of the day.

Last night I decided today (Thursday) would be my work day--I'd focus on the necessary projects and set myself up for a deserved easier day on Friday.  I made a list of all I needed to do before I went to sleep.  My neighbor is driving to school this week, which made for an easy early morning.  A run with the kids in the jogger was on my to-do list, so I didn't get up early to run.

I got the girl off to school, was drinking my coffee and gearing up for an 8:30am start to my to-do list.  I was ready.

Then my phone rang, a number I didn't recognize, but seemed vaguely familiar.

It was 8:15am and Miss Rose's school was on the phone.  School starts at 7:50am.  Miss Rose had gone to the office in tears with a headache.  She hadn't complained before school at all, but that in itself was so unusual that it was cause for concern.

I wasn't dressed, the little girls weren't dressed.  If I rushed us out of the house in clothes, we could get Miss Rose and get her to the walk-in sick appointments by 9am.  Plus I had to pick up a physical form they had completed for Lily.

Who needs to wash their face, brush their teeth or apply deodorant in these circumstances?  Not this girl!

Miss Rose has complained intermittently of ear pain, usually associating it with her newly pierced ears, which I have written off.  And it was just last Thursday I picked her up from school with a sore throat.  And she is constantly congested from allergies.  I suspected an ear infection.

We actually got in to an exam room within 10 minutes.  An exam room that got smaller by the minute with two little monkey's swinging around.

Ears were clear, but all her symptoms and a look at her throat pointed to Strep Throat.  The rapid test came back negative, but based on all the facts, the doctor decided to treat her for strep and based on her breakdown at school, something is going on and has been.  The kid has a high pain tolerance.

Off to the pharmacy, and while they got the medication ready--Starbucks inside Vons because Miss Rose was requesting a smoothie, and the little girls got chocolate milk (which they finished on the walk from Vons to Rite Aid).

More than two hours since we left the house, we finally got home.  Where I tackled a few of the projects on my list.  Even though I felt completely exhausted.

A few hours of projects, taking photos of things I'm supposed to sell on eBay, feeding children and then it was time for a lovely trip to the dentist with the little girls.  Miss Rose's appointment had to be rescheduled. Thankfully Bean was already leaving work early to help at the dentist, so he came home instead to stay with Miss Rose.

Gracie was apprehensive but did fairly well through her cleaning and exam.  Unfortunately, she has a cavity that needs to be filled.  Her back teeth are very tight and in spite of brushing and even flossing, she has a cavity between two back molars.  I haven't told her that yet.  Not looking forward to that appointment.

Lily screamed bloody murder through her exam, which didn't even include a cleaning.  It's always joyful moment when the dentist has to get his noise-canceling headphones out.  He's had to do it many times with Miss Rose.

Then, the heavens opened up and God smiled upon me.  I got home with a 45-minute window before Bean left for a class he's taking.  Which meant, mama got to run.  Glorious.  It was a sanity run.  And I needed that sanity so badly I ran fast and further than I originally planned.

Because when I got back, I toweled off and took Gracie to soccer practice.

See friends, the fun never ends!

Home with a tired 4yr old and sassy as ever 2yr old (my mom stayed with Miss Rose during practice).  Dinner, baths, bed.  Flying solo.

This is life. No two days are the same.  There is always the unexpected.  Most things don't go according to plan.

But, that's ok.  I embrace each day, I embrace the mothering moments.  I embrace the right to be tired and proud.

We shall see what tomorrow holds!

**and of course I was in the bathroom with Lily, who was "nervous peeing" when Miss Rose was called back.  And she had to poop while they were ringing me up at the pharmacy.  And she had to nervous pee again at the dentist, forcing me to leave Gracie in the chair getting xrays, which she was none too thrilled about.  At least she wasn't having accidents I guess.**

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

wordless wednesday: almost 10

{in just a few weeks, we will celebrate 10 years of marriage.  My best friend.}

Monday, September 19, 2011

in which I tell you never again, again and I've learned my lesson...again

I don't know why I doubt myself or second guess my gut.  When it comes to my kids, I'm often right on.  Especially when it comes to their medical care.

I plan to research and write more in the future on this topic, but the more I ruminate (such a good word!  reminds me of masticate, which means to chew, but in ruminating, I'm chewing on my thoughts) about Lily's fever syndrome and even several fevers that Gracie had as a baby and young toddler, the more I see a link to vaccinations.

I have vaccinated my children according to the pediatrician's schedule and I'm not necessarily anti-vaccination.  But, I do think some children's immune systems don't handle the vaccines very well, especially when receiving multiple vaccines at once.  By the time Gracie was born, I had heard of spacing vaccines more and various schedule and books that were out there, but it was something I just didn't take the time to do the research myself.

My pediatrician is pretty great, but he is also pretty old school.  I usually just brush him off or stand my ground and he's okay with my decisions.

But sometimes I second guess myself and go ahead with what he's suggested.

Case in point.

Gracie had a physical this past week.  Her preschool needed a form filled out and since she will start kindgergarten in one year, the pediatrician office did her kindergarten physical now and it will still be good for next year.

I knew it required booster shots.  The thought of spacing them or looking into them more did cross my mind.  But I figured, she's 4 and a half now and they are just boosters of shots she's already had.  So I decided to just let her receive the shots according to schedule.

Then there's the flu shot deal.  Or the flu mist as my pediatrician now gives.  I go back and forth.  Sometimes my kids have received it, sometimes not.  He said the flu mist shouldn't have any symptoms.

So when the doctor wanted to give it to Gracie, I waxed and waned a bit.  I decided, maybe it's a good idea this year, since she's in actual preschool now.

Apparently I forgot that when Miss Rose had her kindergarten physical, I gave in for the same reason.  And she ended up with a minor flu for a day or two.

Do you see where this is going?

Gracie had fevers and headaches off and on for almost 4 days.  She'd seem fine, then start to complain of a headache and be very whiny and I'd notice she had a slight fever.  Of course with her, fevers make her vomit--which did happen in the wee hours of Sunday morning.  Thankfully she was already in bed with us and we were prepared.

Honestly, never again.

When it comes time for Lily to have the Kindergarten shots, we will space them out.  Especially given her fever syndrome.

And my kids will NEVER get the flu shot or flu mist again.

I'd rather them get the actual flu.  Because they may not get the actual flu.  I think I had my senses about me last fall and no one got the flu shot, and no one got deathly ill.

This afternoon I was going through some old documents on Google and found a record I had started of multiple fevers Gracie was getting.  Although they weren't as frequent or severe as Lily's she had some periodic fevers as well, that really kicked in after her one year shots.

I wish.  I wish I had read.  I wish I had studied.  I wish I had paid attention.

While I trust my children will have no lasting effects, and while I understand the necessity to some extent, it grieves my mothers heart that they've been through so much when maybe it could have been different.

This lesson, I won't be forgetting.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Happy Friday!

I'm really hoping that this is my first "normal" fall day off!  My days off since school started back have been full of fevers and power outage effects--such as no school, and Miss Rose had a sore throat yesterday and called for me to pick her up from school around 10am.  She rested, watched movies and took a two hour nap and voila, much better!  She goes pretty hard, so I suspect she was a bit run down.

Thankfully she went off to school today and said her throat felt fine.  We had a lot of fun this summer, but it's nice to feel the pressure of summer activities on my days off.  The little girls are happy to just hang out with me and an hour at the park makes their day.

It's a gray misty morning here, just north of the border in California.  I know it won't last.  I'm currently wearing leggings & a long-sleeve shirt, but I'm sure by 10 or 11am I'll be changing.  That's okay though, I'm going to enjoy these few hours.  I love all seasons.  By the end of the season, I'm ready for the next one--but I love them all.

I'm excited it's turning cooler because it's almost time to order my favorite tea.  For some reason I can drink hot coffee just about any morning, but drinking hot tea is a pastime that only feels right when it's a bit cooler in the mornings.  I can taste it already, sweet and spicy but somehow sugar (and sweetener) free.  Yum!

I learn the most about my parenting from how my children interact and talk to each other, especially when they are frustrated.  I've been hearing a lot of yelling, snapping and stern talk and that's not how I want them to relate to one another.  So yesterday I made it a goal to:

That is what I saw in my head all day long as a reminder.  I wanted to stay calm and not yell.  For the most part, it was a successful endeavor.  I focused on speaking calmly but firmly when necessary.  The kids don't do well accepting what we say the first time, especially when they answer is no.  They whine and argue and we end up snapping or raising our voice.

When this happened yesterday (about 80gazillion times) I made the child look closely at my face and said calmly, "mommy said no and I'm not changing my mind, so you need to stop asking and whining about it."  Amazingly, it usually worked and they moved on.  Sometimes there were still more protests, but the overall goal was not raising my voice and staying calm.

There were a few moments in the afternoon that my blood was boiling with the whining and demanding going on.  Gracie had 4 shots, 2 in each arm and it made her extremely whiney.  I wanted to snap.  I wanted to yell.  But I didn't.  I kept calm, and carried on.

Hopefully I'll be able to do the same today.  I felt better about my parenting yesterday.  This new focus should come in especially handy this weekend as Bean works his annual overtime which means it's me from 8-5pm Saturday and Sunday too.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


I'm lacking in blogging inspiration right now.  I don't really know why.

I'm motivated to blog...but not inspired on topics.  Does that make sense?  I've had this window open for 30 minutes and have started a few different posts, but didn't get any further a few sentances.

I will tell you, preschool, skittles and M&M's seem to be curing Lily's potty training regression.  She's been accident-free the past few days, including naps.  This is a huge answer to prayer, because preschool gives about a month grace period on potty-training and so far she's passing!

Gracie's chalazion is getting much better!  It continues to scab and drain a bit and get smaller.  We have another follow-up with the ophthalmologist tomorrow.  I hope he's pleased with the progress and tells us it will keep getting better.  He said it could be a few months before it resolves completely; only time will tell.

At what age did you start using deodorant?  I don't really remember.  But all I know is that my 7 and 3/4 year old daughter is developing some body odor.  Granted, she is the size of a 10 year old, but still.  It just seems too soon.  And I wonder when how ballistic she will go when she reads this on my blog one day.  She doesn't really know what blogging is yet or that I post stuff about her on Facebook or Twitter for that matter.

I'm fairly traumatized by this realization.  Firstly that she's growing up so fast, and that this only signals the beginning of so much more.  My friend who has 2 teenage daughters was telling me about a day both of them were crying over life and nothing in particular.  I don't cry.  I don't know how I will handle that in my kids!

That's it.  That's what I've got for now.

Where do you go for blogging inspiration?

Sunday, September 11, 2011

turn up, shut up, change up

We are a musical family.  Or at least that's what I hope to cultivate in our family.

Music has always been integral in my life.  My dad started playing guitar when he was 7 years old and that's one of the things that most signifies my dad to me.  My dad played guitar at home with the family, he played at church, he taught guitar lessons to scores of kids and teens.

My mom played piano and they both sang.  Music continued to be important to me as I developed my own taste and voice.  Thanks to the privilege of singing with a few incredible girls in college, my voice matured and I spent many years leading worship.  Bean grew up on music too.  His brother toured in a punk rock band for years and Bean started playing guitar and learned bass too.

When I was pregnant with Miss Rose and Gracie, I was practicing and singing multiple worship services each week, and Bean was playing guitar and doing a little singing.  When Gracie was an infant, I'd practice worship while wearing her in a sling.

Music often plays in our home, in our car.

My girls love music.  They love to dance to some hip hop and they love to worship.

My girls are also opinionated.

Here's a typical ride in our minivan.

Turn the car on, usually the Matt Redman "Beautiful News" CD is playing.  My kids love to wear CD's and songs out.

Gracie wants to hear "stranger to mercy" which is the first line of the song "Take It To The Streets".

Lily immediately demands "Never Let Go" usually by saying "oh no never let go mama".  

A verbal battle ensues until I raise my voice and quell the argument.

We finally choose which song to play first, and then Lily says "turn it up" but in her toddler voice, it somehow sounds like "shut up."

And EVERYDAY Gracie and Miss Rose say "did Lily say shut up?"  Then Lily goes ahead and says "shut up" because the girls are talking about it.

Then it's Miss Rose's turn.  She is into the radio right now and hip hop songs.  Miss Rose wants to change it up, "I don't want to listen to Never Let Go, can we turn on the radio?"

On the occasions I turn the radio on 99% of the time, the song lyrics are inappropriate and we try another station, and it's usually the same story.  So it's back to the CD, much to the chagrin of Miss Rose.

Friends, this happens every day in my vehicle, every time we are in the vehicle, which is usually multiple times.

Maybe it's time to look into iPod shuffles and earbuds for the girls.

I kid, I kid.

What do your kids listen to in the car?   How do you determine who gets to choose the music?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

new beginnings for little girls

The little girls started preschool today.

We had to run by the grocery store this morning to get the right snack items required by the school (must be 2 food groups).

Lily insisted on bringing this toy dog carrier into the store as a purse.  The girls also insisted on putting their hands on the railing and were fighting over who put hands where.

Do you just love how Miss Rose  & Gracie are both wearing shirts with wide, bright stripes?  Completely unplanned and coincidental that they have such similar shirts, but I loved it.

The sun was shining in their eyes, but here they are with their lunch bags.

Yes, Lily is holding a house cordless phone.  It's become a toy because there is something wrong with our phone line somewhere in the house.

Check out Gracie's socks.  She's my girl who likes to match (some of the time) and managed to spot some striped socks that matched her shirt almost perfectly.

I attempted to take a self-portrait of us three before walking them into school.  But I wasn't too good at it.



 And thanks to Diptic, here's all of us.

They didn't cry when I dropped them off this morning (they start the morning in separate classrooms and then are together in aftercare).  And they were happy when I picked them up, although very glad to see me.  Lily's first words were "I miss you Mommy."  Melt.My.Heart.

Now, all that's entailed in getting three children off to actual schools and myself to work is another story.  That I'll save for tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

how did this happen?

My girls today.

How did this happen?

Miss Rose started second grade this morning.  She told us she wasn't going to cry when we left, and she didn't.  She cried for over a year every time I used to drop her off at daycare.  Tears were shed the first day of Kindergarten and First Grade.

I don't EVER remember a first day of school that was rainy.  But it was absolutely pouring this morning.  A hot, humid rain.  And its continued to rain.  I feel sorry for the teachers who may have a rainy day schedule on the first day of school. Not normal for our little sunny city.

The little girls start preschool tomorrow.  We go tonight to meet their teachers and get acquainted with the school.

I have mixed feelings about all of this.

I love my girls so much.  I love that I am the center of their world.

But I know this is going to change.  It's a part of life and of them growing up.  One of my personal parenting goals is to make sure my children always feel a healthy attachment to me.  I want them to need me and want me, in a way that is appropriate for their age.  And I want to always be there for them.

No tears for second grade.  Preschool.

I don't know if my heart can handle this.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

today's accomplishments

It wasn't an easy day.

Lily's fever went up to 105.1 at one point in the evening.

Bean was at work, then had class tonight, so I was solo-parenting.  Yes, I wanted to pull my hair out at several times, but I can handle it and I'm glad Bean went to class.

Here's what I accomplished today...

a lot of holding of a feverish toddler

finding ways to entertain a 4 year old while so occupied with the toddler

being thankful that a neighbor kid was home today and entertained the 7yr old all day

washed a few dishes

put a few things away

painted the 4 yr old's fingernails

let her paint my toenails

fed kids, bathed 2 kids [7yr old showered herself, whoo-hoo]

managed to not put any children on the corner for sale [even though the 4 yr old was SUPER cranky tonight]

put a warm compress on the 4 yr olds eye for 10 minutes [this is a huge accomplishment any day]

I feel SO behind on life right now.  Which is pretty common.  Sheets need washing, floors need cleaning.  Drawers need organizing.  A new piece of furniture for the living room needs sanding and painting.  I desperately need to get rid of some of Gracie's stuffed animals.  Their bedroom looks like a stuffed animal zoo.  Animals everywhere.  There is an extra desk in Miss Rose's room that needs to be moved out.

The list goes on.

But in order to embrace the day, I must focus on what did get accomplished and trust that was enough and it was right for today.  What else are you going to do, with a sick little one, but get through the day?  There's always tomorrow.

Fever monster

I am writing from my phone with a sleeping baby in my lap. She may be more of a little girl than a baby, with strong opinions and a lot to say. But until she is 3, which is only a few months away, she's my baby.

Lily's fever monster is back. I just coined that phrase this morning. But that's what it is. A fever with no cause, no virus, no infection. Just an over reactive immune system.

I can't link from my phone, but she's been diagnosed with a Fever Syndrome. There is no real course of treatment or even much of an understanding of what causes it. Sometimes the removal of tonsils decreases the frequency of fevers. But that's not the go-to solution yet.

It had been 6+ weeks since her last fever. I was hoping that meant she was healed! I am still praying for complete deliverance from the fever monster.

To make matters worse, Lily's last bloodwork showed elevated liver enzymes. The doctor said that can happen with Tylenol usage so he recommended we only use Motrin for her fevers until she has repeat bloodwork. Normally we would alternate Tylenol and Motrin every three hours, which keeps her more comfortable and the fever lower.

With three hours to go before the next dose of Motrin, her fever is almost at 103. Which means it will be 104 or higher in three hours. Lily is miserable.

I'm thankful it's my day off today and we had no big plans. I'm going to embrace the moments to snuggle and hold my sleeping baby. And it's a great reason to watch some daytime television. Bring on Lifetime, TLC and maybe a little E!

What are you embracing today?