Thursday, January 5, 2012

running through my head

I have many posts flying through my head all the time.  But at the end of the day, when I collapse onto the couch, they refuse to formulate themselves.  I love to write.  I would love to do it more.  But I guess it's one of those things on the back burner right now.

What isn't on the back burner?  Besides feeding, clothing and bathing the kids and all that is required to do that?  Which would include working, cleaning, laundry, shopping and maintaining a good relationship with the husband who is my partner in all of this.  We make a good team.

I made some cranberry bread tonight.  And ate three pieces.  I had a bag of cranberries in my fridge from Christmastime that I didn't have time to use to make our favorite cranberry bread.  Lily wanted to try a cranberry tonight.  I convinced her that it wasn't a good idea.

Have you ever thought much about cranberries?  They are no good raw.  I've never actually tried one, but I suspect it would be rather bitter, even sour.  But dry it and make a craisin and they are delicious in my salad.  Bake chopped cranberries into a sweet bread and you have a mouth-watering treat.  The perfect combination of sweet and sour.

That's how life feels these days.  Sweet and sour.  I posted about bitter & sweet earlier this week and I guess that idea continues to permeate my mind.  For every sweet moment, there seems to be a complimentary taste of sour.  I don't really care for sweet and sour candy.  I just like sweet.

My head is mulling over the sour.  The bitter.  Struggling with how to get through it to the sweet.  And in the midst, everyday life goes on.  The kids still need to be fed, clothed and bathed.  For that I am thankful.  They keep me grounded.  They reveal my impatience and shortcomings.  Somehow I am grateful for that.  It keeps me processing.  Reaching towards heaven for the grace and patience that comes only from Above.

I did start reading Bittersweet and it's good for my soul.  I don't like facing the hard stuff.  I don't like facing sadness, grief, pain.  I push it down.  Pretend it's not there.  But the problem is it festers.  And so my outer shell hardens to hide the festering mess that is inside me.  I don't like being hard.

I turn 35 this year.  It doesn't change who I am or what my life is but it does feel like a milestone.  I don't want to reach 35 in a hardened state.  I want to be open and tender.  I've got 6 months.

Time to be courageous.