Tuesday, March 6, 2012

just write {patterns}

I have a few minute to just write, but so many thoughts.

My three year old has started getting fevers again.  We were hopefully that November's tonsillectomy would cure these monthly, benign fevers.  It did, but only for two months.  We just saw the immunologist this past Friday and he said to look for the pattern to her fevers since they are typically periodic and we'll see him again in three months.

Early Monday morning, after I had just blogged about a straightforward week, she woke with a fever.  Which was six weeks exactly since the January fever.  If that's the period, then I'll choose to be thankful that they are coming every 6 weeks instead of every 4 weeks.  And I'm choosing to be thankful that her highest temperatures are around 101 or 102, not the 104-105 of last year. 

So I journal and log the days, the medication,the temperatures and duration.  Finding patterns.

Yesterday morning I read in Jesus Calling, "I can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent that you trust me...You will have to choose many times each day whether to trust Me or defy Me." (I have the full devotion in an app, but it's available in print also.)

That word pattern stuck out to me.  My husband or I having to stay home from work with a sick child does not seem like a pattern for good.  Lily missing preschool, which we pay for whether she is there or not, does not seem like a pattern for good.  But I have to remember that I look at my life through a zoom lens typically, while God has a wide angle lens.  He is fitting it all together into a pattern for good.

I think of myself as Amos lately.  Amos' name was significant, it meant "burden-bearer."  I bear the burdens of these fevers, the unknown length of time we'll be dealing with them.  I carry burdens I can't talk about.  Burdens for others, burdens of my own.  And they feel so heavy at times.  Even though I know I am supposed to share my burdens with Him, I still carry more than I should.  I struggle most with the things I can't change for others.  I feel deeply, I love deeply.

But I have trust.  In His patterns.  I see patterns of fevers.  Patterns of pain and destruction.  Patterns of heartache and unknown futures.  And you can't deny they are there.  But they are a part of a loving Father's pattern.  He takes our sin, our mistakes, our circumstances and weaves them into something good.

I'm looking Lord.  Waiting.  Show me that something good.  Show me the beautiful tapestry that you are weaving.

Linking up with Heather and others for Just Write