Friday, November 14, 2014

It's not that I'm lazy

For two years now, many of my mental to-do lists and projects to complete have started with the words "when I graduate from nursing school..." There was no time or mental energy to take on projects, to organize or do things around my home that I have pinned on Pinterest. Come on, I know I'm not the only one with a few hundred (or thousand) pins of things I have yet to attempt. But doesn't stop me from pinning more. 

I have been done with school for more than three months now. For the first time in motherhood, all three of my children are in school and a few days a week I have several hours to myself.

The empty walls in my house scream to me that they want the cool prints and frames I have pinned. The cluttered closets want to be organized. The kitchen counter perpetually piled high with papers from school, mail, and other paraphernalia is a thorn in my side. Drawers and cupboards need to be wiped down and put in order once again.

The truth is, I have done nothing. Well, I don't call working full-time, keeping up the daily life of the house and raising 3 kids nothing. But I've done no extra projects or tasks.

Some days I feel guilty. And disappointed in myself.I wonder if I'm wasting time and why I'm so unproductive. A voice whispers that I'm lazy.

While the day will come when I will tackle these projects, I believe right now I am choosing the one thing that is most important. I am saying yes to what I truly need and saying no for now to adding more. It's not that I'm lazy, but my priorities have nothing to do with outward appearance or the satisfaction of checking things off my two-year-old to do list.

The days I am home and not sleeping after a nightshift, I spend a lot of time with Jesus and a cup of coffee. Usually it's my second cup of coffee, the first being consumed while making lunches (the bane of my existence). I am amazed by how quickly my devotional time passes. Lately, I could easily spend 2-3 hours soaking up the presence of God.

I have found myself identifying in a new way with the Psalmist when he says "as the deer pants for water, so my soul longs for thee." I just want to sit with Jesus. To talk to him and journal. To read His word and words he inspired in others. So I turn on my Bethel Music Pandora station and pour my heart out before the Lord and let him pour into me.

My heart's desire is to hear the voice of God and to do His will in every area of my life. I was reminded recently that knowing God's voice requires time spent with him. Understanding what he's doing in my life requires knowing him more.

This is where a good portion of my "extra" time is spent. And I don't feel guilty about it. Much like a dating relationship, true intimacy and deep knowledge of the other cannot come without the passage of time and a quantity of time spent together. In many seasons I have focused on quality time with God at the expense of quantity. But both are required. And I am so enjoying my time with the lover of my soul.

Slowly but surely I see what he's doing in me. I am more confident of his voice. I am trusting him more. I am more patient and calm. More of Jesus just makes me want more of him.

This season is about finding a new rhythm and He is the composer.

Friend, don't feel guilty about what you aren't doing--if what you are doing is more important and you have chosen what is best in this moment. The true goal in life is to know Jesus and make Him known. No pin on Pinterest trumps that. What is God calling you to focus on right now? Don't let anything, no matter how good it seems, distract you.

I do look forward to the day I actually get prints on my wall and have curtains in my kitchen (although after 6 years strong of none, I feel like I need to stay strong in this trend--sorry neighbors).  All of the things on my project list are good things. But they just don't seem to be what is important right now.

We need Him more.

I need you more, more than anything. 

Parts of these reflections inspired by The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst.