It's another midnight posting. I'm almost halfway through my shift tonight and oh how I would love to be in my own bed. I'm "sitting" with a patient tonight who needs supervision, the sweetest 2 year old who has spent way too much time in the hospital in her short life. Sometimes I like sitting because I get to read and talk to God and watch TV and surf the internets. But after a while there is nothing new to find on the internets and even TV gets boring and my brain can't process an intellectual book and I resort to cheesy "inspirational romances."
My life these days feels like a lot of waiting, and a lot of running.
First, on the running. Runner's World Magazine "hosts" a holiday run streak---the goal is to run 1 mile every day between Thanksgiving and New Years. I was running with a friend two days after Thanksgiving and she mentioned the streak. And I talked about how difficult it was to run on the days I have to sleep after nightshift. But then she gently challenged me, "Come on, you could do just 1 mile a day. You do have a treadmill." She was right. One mile a day is 10-15 minutes. 4 laps around my block is just over a mile.
So I decided to take the challenge. I have gotten up at 5am and run laps around my block (because I won't run any further from home alone in the dark). I have put on my running clothes after sleeping all day and raced around the neighborhood, often with my 5-year-old setting the pace. Some days I set out to do a mile, and the 5-year-old wants to go "one more time." So we do.
One day it was raining and I didn't plan well and I could have gone out in the rain. But I only have 1 pair of shoes and didn't want to ruin them for the next day. So I did a DVD instead. Yesterday I had a massive migraine and so I didn't run. I had to remind myself that I'm doing this for me, I'm not a slave to the streak.
The crazy thing is, most days I am running 1-2 miles and yet I am getting faster. I ran 4 miles today at a faster pace than I have since nursing school. These short quick runs are agreeing with me I guess, and if that's how I'll find my running feet again, I'm happy. It's hard to imagine just a few years ago I ran an entire marathon. But I will again one day.
It feels very apropos that during this Advent season, I too am waiting in expectation of things to come. I am grateful for the job I have and the open doors it has afforded me. But I am ready to being my R.N. career, get a paycheck that can actually support us and finally replace my broken couch---among many other things in my house that are falling apart. I interview...and I wait. I think I know what God has for me and where he wants me, but I won't count on it. I will wait until it all is revealed.
Hopefully in early January I will be offered an R.N. job, which will begin mid-February. Oh the waiting is so hard. I feel stuck, in the in between, in the middle place. Not there, but not quite here either. The whole interview and waiting process is exhausting and consuming.
I'm not always a patient person, especially with myself. I am not accomplishing things I want to or feeling as productive in my everyday life as I would like. Although today I did "curb dive" and pick up 3 white laminate awful shelves to finally get my kids books out of boxes after a room re-arrange. I need to Pinerest how to fix those things up. But they are serving their purpose. So that was productive today.
Sometimes I feel like I'm lazy, or a procrastinator or just scatterbrained. I may be a little of all that---but the truth is I am in a waiting season and it's causing me to be a bit stuck in other areas of my life. This is a truth I need to accept and give myself grace for.
Plus, raising three school-age children? It's exhausting people! They need conversation and interaction. Supervision of school work and follow through. And they hate taking showers, cleaning up after themselves and are allergic to putting their dirty laundry actually IN the basket. Just how many times do I need to tell them to bring their lunches to the kitchen, hang up their backpacks and FOR THE LOVE put your shoes and dirty socks away! Every day. All day. Or at least that's how it feels.
I am still not sure how I feel about this grown up thing. I am days away from being 37-1/2, which is almost 38 which means I am *this close* to 40. I never imagined my life at 40, so I don't know what to expect. I don't know what grown up me, raising growing children should look like.
I guess I'm just figuring it out as I go. Running and waiting. Embrace the day.